About Me

I grew up feeling stupid and worthless I lacked confidence in everything I did, to the point where I would wish as hard as I could that I was someone else. I would cry myself to sleep at night because I just couldn’t ever see a way out.

It all started when I had an outbreak of measles at a young age, which left me partially deaf. It got worse when I reached school because I couldn’t hear as my classmates could. It affected everything! My speaking, spelling, and writing.

I was petrified of reading out to the class and would refuse to, which gave me the label of the naughty kid. A hearing aid made matters worse, as it made me feel even more different from everyone else.

My dad would always be at work or at the pub, and my mother wasn't the most loving and caring she could have been. She didn’t ever tell us she loved us.

I never remember visiting the park, we never made cakes, in fact the only thing I ever remember doing was visiting family and then I didn’t want to go home.

I just wanted to be loved and to be able to express the pain and hurt I was going through but I couldn’t, I’d lay awake at night waiting for my dad to get home, but he didn’t always come home, and I’d just fall asleep crying as usual.

After my nan died his drinking got worse. He would come home, full of anger and I felt scared, the worse thing was when he wouldn’t speak to us for a whole week. I always stepped up and felt like I had to protect my family and keep everyone together, so I tried to help him; when I think back on it now, I basically spent my whole childhood trying to mother my own father!

I felt things were my fault and that I wasn’t good enough. I had so much hatred towards myself that I started to punish myself. I started taking drugs, rebel at school, and I became anorexic. I’d eat at home and then I’d make myself sick after.

As I grew older, the punishments became worse, and the drugs harder. Getting out my face seemed the only thing that numbed the pain I was going through; I felt so alone and desperate all the time.

It wasn’t long before I was in an abusive relationship where I was mistreated. I couldn’t go out without being questioned so I decided to just stay in to keep the peace. He made me feel scared and insecure every moment of the day. I felt like I was living a nightmare! one that never seemed to end.no matter how hard I looked there never seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel, I felt like I was suffocating.

Things couldn’t have got much worse until I was being beaten on a regular basis too. The worst thing about it all was the thought of being alone was even worse. My heart felt broken, but the thought of being on my own crushed me. So, I put up with it; and in all honesty, if I think about it, I kind of thought I deserved it anyway for some reason. Crazy that isn’t it?

I spent years of living in paranoia, at this point addicted to smoking Crack Cocaine, wondering what the night would bring. Living with another drug addict, who took great pleasure in mentally destroying me.

It was hard because I had no money and nowhere to go. I was scared senseless. I just wanted someone to take me away from everything, and stop me feeling the way I felt. My life was a mess.

He was in and out of prison, and visiting prisons was daunting, especially carrying a child. started to suffer from anxiety and serve panic attacks. A trip to the hospital wasn’t rare for me. I thought I was dying and was petrified of leaving my little girl without a mother, as I laid on hospital beds on heart monitors; I was a mess. I felt there was no hope in life for me, and nothing could ever help me. I felt completely and utterly destroyed.

One day, I was sitting with my friend. She pointed out that I wasn’t my Dad’s Mum, and I didn’t deserve to be treated by anyone the way I was. It’s like I had waited my whole life to hear those words. I realised she was right; I broke down and was a weeping mess. Years and years of tears flooded out in seconds. I’ll never forget that day. I remember imagining seeing pictures in my head of my daughter being beaten, or my son beating a woman himself and that’s when I realised I needed to get out of this nightmare I was living.

There was no way I could carry on living the way I was living. My children deserved better, I deserved better, and just like that, I decided to change everything.

 

I started going to a weekly spiritualist circle, I learned to meditate and started to work with angels. My whole life I had felt different from others, due to being partially deaf, and the way people treated me; but deep down, there was part of me that wanted to believe I was different for another reason. Due to the hearing being impaired I realised I have the ability to see things others couldn’t, and feel in a way others couldn’t comprehend. I’d always been very drawn to this kind of thing. I then started reiki healing and started my 21-day self-healing journey.

All of that pain seemed to disappear and for once in my life, I knew I was finally moving forward. I can hope that things would be better, and I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

I started to feel amazing

It didn’t stop there though, I started Buddhism meditation classes. I would go into the deepest meditation you could imagine, and I started to feel love for myself and everyone around me.

I started to forgive my past and everyone that hurt me. I was at peace after that. As soon as I realised I had finally shifted the lifetime of pain, I knew immediately that I wanted to use my intuition that I’d felt my whole life, to start to help others too.

I spent a year doing coaching, reiki, Buddhism and relationship courses my mind was blown, and I started eating healthy and joined the gym! I was felt like a new person!  After I started to apply what I had learned to others I realised why I had gone through all this pain. It was part of my journey. Through my experiences, I am now able to help others; which is the most fulfilling privilege of all.

Fast forward to today, and who cares if I’m slightly deaf! My intuition and empathy out rule any inconvenience with my hearing. It doesn’t affect me anymore, my health is the best it’s ever been, I no longer drink or take drugs, I’ve built healthy relationships all around me and attract beautiful people wherever I go. My kids are happy and healthy, my eldest has even just graduated from university. But most importantly of all, I’ve built the most incredible relationship with myself, I see the real me, and my inner child is at peace now! Everything in my life has brought me to this moment, a peaceful and a wholehearted superwoman!

If you can feel a pull to connect with me, and I can offer you any value whatever through my relationship recovery journey, who better than someone who’s been to the depths of despair, and knows the way out.

I now help recover mothers who feel lost, distressed and broken-hearted into connected, peaceful and whole-hearted superwomen.

If you’re ready to turn yourself from a lost and distressed woman to whole-hearted spiritual connectiveness – I’m here for you.

Martine Bailey

Relationship Recovery Coach

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